Elyshah LaRaye DiAnne
The Life of An Evangelist Daughter:::It's Fun Bein' Apostolic!
Big Red Button --You have to have a good sense of humor to be able to go here.
Cute Elastic Baby -- He'll Love You Forever!
(You might have to wait a couple seconds for the volume to come on.)
Need A Laugh?
Q: What kind of man was Boaz before he married? A: Ruthless
Q: What do they call Pastors in Germany? A: German Shepherds.
Q: Who was the greatest male financier in the Bible? A: Noah. He was floating in his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q: Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A: Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q: Who was the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible? A: David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
WHAT'S THE WORD?
It's a seven letter word. It's greater than God. Worse than the devil. The poor have it. The rich doesn't need it. And if you eat it, you'll die.
ANSWER: Nothing
THREE BLONDE GUYS
Three blonde guys were stranded on one side of a wide river and didn't know how to get across. The first blonde guy prayed to God to make him smart enough to think of a way to cross the river. God turned him into a brunette man, and he swam across. The second blonde guy prayed to God to make him even smarter, so he could think of a better way to cross the river. God turned him into a red-headed man, so he built a boat and rowed across. The third blonde guy, seeing how the other two crossed, prayed to God to make him the smartest of all. So God turned him into a woman. She studied the map, hiked up stream a couple of miles, and then walked across the bridge.
WHO IS BETTER ON THE COMPUTER?
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent emails. Emails with attachements. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But 10 minutes before their time was up, lightning flashed across the sky, thunder clapped, the rain poured, and of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically and screamed, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went off!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did He do it?" God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
THE MISDIRECTED E-MAIL
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife: Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here.
SMARTEST WOMAN
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The 1st passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player; the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of a former U.S. President, a NY State Senator and a potential future president. And I am the smartest woman in American history, so America's people don't want me to die," and she took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, ,George W. Bush, said, "I'm the President of the United States of America. I have great responsiblity being the leader of a superpower nation." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped. The 4th passenger, Billy Graham, said to the 5th passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I am old and frail and don't have many years left and as a Christian, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left for you. America's smartest woman took my schoolbag."
THE CURE
The mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet in church. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, "If you don't be quiet, Pastor White is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!" It worked.
OOPS!
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang, so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
NUN OTHER THAN HIM
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister." "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun asked. "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun." "Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters'. They are married to God." "Wonderful," said Smith. In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
WHY ME?
A dying man in the hospital requested for his pastor to come and pray for him. When the good reverend walked into the room, he discovered the man was asleep. So as not to disturb him, he quietly sat into the nearest chair to wait for the man to stir. Not one minute after he had sat down, the man sat straight up, gasping for air. The pastor tried to get him to talk, but the man was unable to. The man quickly scribbled something on a piece of paper, shoved it into the pastor's hands, and collapsed. The pastor knew instantly that the man had died, so he stuffed the note into his suit pocket, too overwhelmed with grief to read it. Two days later, the pastor was asked to be the speaker at the man's funeral. While he was talking, he realized that he was wearing the same suit jacket that he wore the day the man had died. Knowing that he had hid the note safely in his pocket, he annouced to the congregation: "The very same day this man, well...died, I was wearing the same suit that I am at this moment. Right before his last breath, he handed this note to me." Ladies were sobbing unashamed, men's eyes were getting watery, as the pastor, with tears in his eyes said, "these were his last words from him, to me. He paused slightly before quietly reading... 'Quick! Please, get up! You're sitting on my oxygen tubes!' "
GOTTA BE A COW
Say the word "cow" before each word.
1. Cows 2. About 3. Talking 4. Idiot 5. This 6. Got 7. I 8. Long 9. How 10. Look
Say the word "cow" before each word.
1. Cows 2. About 3. Talking 4. Idiot 5. This 6. Got 7. I 8. Long 9. How 10. Look
Say the word "cow" before each word.
1. Cows 2. About 3. Talking 4. Idiot 5. This 6. Got 7. I 8. Long 9. How 10. Look
Now say each word backwards from right to left.
1. Cows 2. About 3. Talking 4. Idiot 5. This 6. Got 7. I 8. Long 9. How 10. Look
You're Not Dumb
Follow these instructions.
Put your pointer finger to your temple and say the letters "M" and "T" really fast.
TEST YOUR I.Q.
There is a deaf man who wishes to buy a toothbrush. He successfully expresses himself to the cashier and the purchase is done.
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think carefully before giving your answer.............
He simply opens his mouth and says it. Now if you didn't get this..please don't pull all your hair out.
ONE FOR YOU
There were two little boys in a cemetary dividing nuts between themselves that they had found among the trees there. Hidden from sight, one little boy would say, "one for you, and one for me. One for you, and one for me..." As they counted, several nuts rolled down towards the fence.They were oblivious to the other boy that had ridden up on his bicycle near the cemetary gate, sitting there, listening to them. The boy on the bicycle could not see the boys however, and was awed by what he heard. "One for you, and one for me. One for you, and one for me." The boy raced off down the sidewalk and halted when he saw the old man appearing to be out for an afternoon stroll. "Mr.....hey Mr. You ain't gonna believe what I just heard! God and the devil is dividin' up the souls between them." The old man stared at the boy and said, "boy...you are crazy. That is the most stupid thing I've ever heard in my life." The boy protested, "No, no! I'm telling the truth. Honest...they are! Just follow me and you'll hear it for yourself." So the old man hobbled along side the boy with the bike. Then they stopped beside the graveyard gate. They both heard the voices. "One for you, and one for me. One for you, and one for me. Alright...that's all of them. All we have to do is get those two nuts by the gate and we'll be done."
A FUNNY STORY...
There was a woman on her deathbed. Her husband hadn't left her side. And then one day...she asked him to bring a shoebox to her that was located in her closet on the top shelf in the very back. He found it and looking inside, found two doilys and $500.00. With a puzzled look he handed the box to her. She explained, "when I was a little girl, my grandma told me that when I got married, whenever I got mad at you, to just be silent and knit doilys." You could see the man's chest grow with the pride inside...glad that she had only gotten mad at him twice. Then growing curious he asked, "but what is the $500.00 for?" With a shy grin she said, "that's the money I recieved when I sold all the other doilys."
THE JEWISH CUSTOMS... 
A thirteen-yr-old Jewish boy went up to his father and said, "Dad, I need forty dollars." His dad says... "Thirty dollars! What are you going to do with twenty dollars?! Here's ten."
FAMILY CIRCUS:
(Little boy asking sunday school teacher)
"If Jesus was John's cousin then God must be John's uncle!"
Male Blonde Joke
There were two blonde guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again." The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
Luck day for the Toothfairy
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, A man used to take his 4-year-old daughter on his afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day the man found his daughter staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As he braced himself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
A Bird's Death
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, a minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that a proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ....and into the hole he gooooes."
A Little Boy's Findings
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
A Good One!
One day, a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The Teacher was explaining evolution to the children. The Teacher asked a little boy, "Tommy do you see the tree outside?"
(Tommy:) Yes. (Teacher:) Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
(Tommy:) Yes. (Teacher:) Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
(Tommy:) Okay. (Returning a few seconds later) Yes, I saw the sky. (Teacher:) Did you see GOD?
(Tommy:) No. (Teacher:) That's my point. We can't see GOD because HE isn't there. HE just doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up wanting to ask the boy some questions. The Teacher agreed -- the little girl asked the boy, "Tommy, do you see the tree outside?"
(Tommy:) Yes. (Little Girl:) Tommy do you see the grass outside?
(Tommy:) Yessssss! (Little Girl:) Did you see the sky?
(Tommy:) Yessssss! (Little Girl:) Tommy, do you see the Teacher?
(Tommy:) Yes. (Little Girl:) Do you see her brain?
(Tommy:) No. (Little Girl:) Then according to what we were taught today, she doesn't have one!
II CORINTHIANS 5:7 " FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT "
A woman was out walking with her 4 year old daughter. The little girl picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. The mother took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" her daughter asked.
"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" she replied.
At this point, her daughter looked at her with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," ...she thought quickly, "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."
They walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but the little girl was evidently pondering this new information.
"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly" The mother replied back with a big smile on her face and joy in her heart.
"Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous
look on his upturned face, "without You we are but dust..."
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little
girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and
asked quite audibly in her shrill little-girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is
butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point...
A man was in prison and rarely had visitors. But one day, another man came to visit him. When he left, the prisoner's cell mate asked him who his visitor was. The man replied, "Brothers and sisters I have none, but that man's father is my father's son.
(Here's one for your friends, there's no actual punchline, but think about it for a couple seconds.)
Pete and Repeat are sitting on a fence, Pete falls off and who is left?